"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." - Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms
I've been feeling that lately - both the brokenness and the strength that came from it. My mind has been showing repeat reels of my worse moments over the last few weeks, trying to beat me into submission.
At the same time, I'm recognizing how far I've come, how I'm better able to speak my mind even when it's not easy. My confidence. Self-assurance. How I no longer have to channel my inner (much braver) self to get things done.
The experience is accompanied by a bittersweet mix of emotions.
On the one hand, the person I am today still mourns what was and what will never be. What I had to go through. It was hard and it sucked and there were times when all I wanted to do was give up. I sometimes felt like an imposter when someone talked about how brave and strong I was for having gone through breast cancer and everything that goes with it. They called me an inspiration and a role model. A true dragon slayer.
Even now, when I hear that, I have to resist the urge to look around to make sure they're talking to me. Surely, if they truly knew me and what I truly was, they wouldn't say that about...me.
Things that would have brought me to my knees a few short years ago are mere annoyances now. Things that would have destroyed me are more easily weathered.
For example, constructive criticism used to devastate me. It was evidence of all the things I was doing wrong. It was proof that I was a failure. My ego was so fragile, it took me seven years to read the comments my beta readers left on a yet-to-be-published story.
Seven years, people. On a story I voluntarily handed over for review. Seven years.
I finally mustered up the courage to read those comments a few weeks ago. None of them were that bad. In fact, most of them were good. Helpful. Constructive.
Sheesh. What was I so worried about?
Nothing.
I'm still shaking my head over it.
Post-cancer, I've become a leader. An expert in topics I never believed I'd ever master. I seek out opportunities to improve. To become better.
I do what needs to be done. Say what needs to be said (though I'm still not great at this).
I am becoming who I am meant to be.
Imperfectly perfect. And improving every single day.
Bit by bit, I'm carving out the life I dream of having. One where I let loose my creative spirit and use it to uplift and help others.
It took going through hell and back to make me realize there are much worse things out there. That I am strong. I can do the hard things.
I try to write that into my characters. That journey from being and feeling stuck to standing tall. From weakness to strength. From darkness to light.
I want my characters to become strong at the broken places.
Just like me.
Losing my hair to chemo was one of the most devastating experiences I've ever had. It broke me in ways I can't express.
I never could have done my stories justice before cancer. I just didn't have the depth of understanding needed to do it right. I didn't know what it felt like to be at my lowest and sink even further still. I didn't know how to rise above an inch at a time. A centimeter. A millimeter. To do it because I was the only one who could. To experience a true metamorphosis.
To emerge from the wreckage surrounding me only to take that first, and most difficult, step forward toward my bright and beautiful future.
I couldn't write it because I didn't know it.
Strong at the broken places.
It's strange, really, how so much can change in so short a time. How much a person can change. Grow. Become more.
Become...
Strong.
I don't regret the things I've been through, no matter how hard they were or how much they broke me. Because those things have shaped me into who I am. And I love who I've become.
Strong at the broken places.
And better for it. By far.
The World of Truthtaker
In Truthtaker, High Lady Lillia Agathina Constance Faith Pennyworth struggles in her own way. She's an outcast within the Guild of the Gifted - both because she was born with just one hand and because she inadvertently did the unimaginable when her abilities first manifested. Though she was a mere child when it happened, it marked her for life.
Her solitary life is upended when the Lady Regent herself assigns Lillia a mission, one that takes Lillia away from all she's known and throws her into a strange new place with new people and new perils.
And secrets that must not be revealed.
As Lillia navigates these obstacles and seeks to right a wrong she created, she has to overcome her fears, challenge long-held beliefs, and learn to become strong at the broken places.
Keep chasing your dreams and slaying your dragons, my friends. I believe in you.
Lysandra James
Coming soon...
Truthtaker by Lysandra James
Regency culture in an ice age environment. Magic that drives men mad. Secrets that could unravel society. Truth that can’t be…Revealed.
Coming December 2025.
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